Through my research As a child psychologist, I’ve found that persistence is the #1 soft skill that makes kids more motivated than kids who give up easily. In reality, learn advocated that it is a stronger predictor of success than IQ.
Children with perseverance will not give up in the face of failure. They believe their efforts will pay off, so they are always motivated to work hard and finish what they start, regardless of any roadblocks that arise.
Here are nine ways parents can help their kids build perseverance:
1. Resist factors that discourage children.
The first step is to combat the four factors that derail perseverance. I like to use the acronym “FAIL” as a helpful reminder:
- Tired: Protect your child ability to concentrate by following a regular sleep routine. Turn off devices an hour before bed and leave screens outside the bedroom at night.
- Worry: The pressure to succeed can be overwhelming. Show your children that your love does not depend on their success.
- Quick achievement-based recognition: Instill a growth mindset Let your child understand that success is not fixed. Praise them for their efforts, not their results.
- Learn expectations that don’t match the ability to: The set expected only slightly above your child’s skill level. Expectations that are too high can cause anxiety, while expectations that are too low can lead to boredom.
2. Teach that mistakes are opportunities for growth.
Remind your child that making mistakes can be a positive thing, even if the situation doesn’t turn out the way they expected. Acknowledge their mistakes and tell them, “It’s okay to mess up. The important thing is that you tried.”
Admit your own mistakes. This will help them realize that everyone makes mistakes and that success happens when you don’t let failure define you.
3. Quest “Chunk”.
Teaching your kids to break big tasks into smaller, more manageable chunks will help them feel more confident in getting things done over time.
For example, if they get frustrated with a math worksheet, ask them to get a separate sheet of paper and include all the problems except the top row. Then continue to lower the paper to the next row as they complete each row.
Or, if they feel overwhelmed with the large amount of assignments they have, they can write down each exercise on a sticky note, stack them by difficulty, and do one task at a time.
4. Celebrate small victories.
Repeated failures can destroy perseverance, but the smallest successes can encourage children to keep going, so help them identify their small victories.
For example: “Last time, you spelled six words correctly. Today you got eight! That’s a benefit. You’re making progress because of your hard work!”
5. Extend their focus.
If your child wants to give up an assignment, put a timer on their desk and set it for an appropriate amount of time, appropriate for their attention level.
Explain that they just need to hold it until the bell goes off. They can then take a quick break and reset the timer.
Encourage them to see how many problems they can complete before the bell rings so they see they are succeeding. Over time, it will become easier to focus.
6. True “stumblers.”
When kids give up, it may be because they can’t see a way out of a challenge. Start by acknowledging their frustration and expressing that it’s a normal feeling. Try breathing exercises or rest.
Then, when they get back to the task, see if you can help them identify a small bug that’s standing in their way.
For example, “It looks like you’re mixing up the addition and multiplication symbols.” Once the problem is clear, focus on the problem until they slowly work through it.
7. Praise the effort.
Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck found that when children are praised for their intelligence (e.g., “You’re so smart!”), they are less likely to persevere.
But when they are praised for their efforts (for example, “You worked so hard! Well done.”), they are more motivated and work harder.
To prolong persistence, praise your child’s efforts, not their grades or grades. The goal is for them to be driven to succeed without extraneous motives, that’s why I don’t care about stickers and gold stars. Research found that superficial reinforcers can actually reduce children’s persistence.
8. Make “stick to it” statements.
Negative self-talk like “I can’t do it” or “I’m not smart enough” derailed persist. Help your child choose one short, positive statement tell yourself when things get tough.
Remind them to repeat the statement several times over a few days until they can remember to use it alone: ”Things don’t have to be perfect. I’ll get better and better if I keep trying.”
9. Step back and let them figure it out.
One of my top parenting rules is this: Never do something for your kids that they can do for themselves.
Every time you correct your child or do something for them, they learn more and more to depend on you. There is an opportunity to develop perseverance.
When you know your child can complete the task alone, take a step back. Allow them to embrace that sense of success.
Michele Borba, EdD, is an educational psychologist, parenting expert, and author of “Horror: Surprising Reasons Why Some Children Struggling and Others Shine” and “UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed In Our All-Me World.” She lives in Palm Springs, California, with her husband and mother of three boys. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
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