Parents who make these 3 mistakes are more likely to raise narcissistic children, parenting expert says
As a neuroscientist who studies narcissistic personality disorder, I have found that a child’s family dynamics is one of the the most important predictors on narcissistic tendencies, including superiority, nobility, entitlement, and lack of empathy, in adulthood.
To be clear, children and teenagers are naturally more selfish, not narcissistic, because their minds are still developing. So it’s normal for them to have low self-awareness until they learn important skills like emotional regulation and empathy.
In my experience, parents who make these three fatal mistakes are more likely to raise narcissistic children:
1. Don’t admit your negative behaviors
Children learn by observing and reflecting, which means they can apply your negative actions.
Let’s say a waiter messed up your order. Instead of handling the situation gracefully, you humiliate and yell at the waiter. Your child observes and thinks the way you react is okay.
This is why it’s important to teach and demonstrate to your child emotional intelligence (or EQ) looks like, especially the empathic component.
A good way to start is to help them recognize how they feel. Name the emotion you suspect they are experiencing. For example, “Do you feel hurt or disappointed by what your friend did?”
Practicing EQ will make it easier for them to express their feelings and be mindful of how others feel in the future.
2. Do not reflect or validate your child’s feelings
If you shame, distract, or ignore your child’s feelings, you’re essentially teaching them that what they’re feeling is wrong.
As a result, they will have difficulty regulating their behavior, which may lead to a host of problems as they age — from crippling behaviors like addiction to protective behaviors like greatness, which are a common feature of narcissism. Learn have also found that shame, insecurity, and fear are at the root of narcissists.
Modeling requires you to meet your children where they are and help to acknowledge their feelings. Validating their feelings means letting them know that what they are feeling is reasonable.
Imagine that you are picking up your child from school. They got into the car and slammed the door shut with angry faces. Instead of being embarrassed for having a bad attitude, reflect on them by saying, “Looks like you had a bad day at school! What happened?”
Once they’ve told you what happened, acknowledge them and say, “That’s not cool. I can understand why you’re upset.” This does not mean that you agree or disagree with their emotional response. You are simply letting them know how they feel is acceptable.
Over time, they will become more confident in their feelings.
3. Don’t point out your child’s narcissistic behaviors
If your child is being aggressive in public because they don’t want to, don’t let that happen. In situations like these, you don’t have to embarrass your child, but it’s important that you get them out of the situation.
Start by asking three questions:
- “What happened?”
- “How do you feel?”
- “How do you think your reaction is making the other person (or those around you) feel?”
Instead of accepting their emotional dysfunction, you’re helping them flex their empathy skills, social awareness, and emotional regulation — all of which are essential to building EQ.
One question I get from a lot of parents is, “How can I tell when my child is showing signs of narcissism?”
There are many different tests you can do. If something bad happens in a movie you’re watching or a book you’re reading together, ask your child what they think the characters might be feeling.
If your child says, “They feel sad or angry,” your child’s EQ level is on the right track. But if they blow up or say they don’t care how the characters feel, you know you have some work to do.
If you’re concerned your child has narcissistic tendencies and doesn’t feel you have the skills to help them, consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in personality disorders.
Remember, narcissistic behaviors are often habits that we learned in childhood and they may not be as well known.
Cody Isabel is a neuroscientist, parenting coach, and co-founder Rewrite and increasea coaching service that uses neuroscience and behavioral science to help adults and children overcome mental health challenges and improve their overall well-being.
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