This guide is not intended for physically or emotionally abusive relationships. Everyone deserves a healthy relationship. If you are experiencing physical, mental or emotional abuse, you can call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or TTY 1.800.787.3224, text “START” to 88788, or live chat twenty-four hours a day.
If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship, there may have been a time when you didn’t feel loved by your partner. Maybe your partner doesn’t show as much affection as before, or you realize that you both spend your entire meal on your phone instead of sticking together.
Maybe you feel taken for granted, unsupported or they don’t care about what you do, say, or need. It’s completely normal to have ups and downs in relationships, but sometimes, in relationships that are basically healthy and strong, there can be certain aspects that make you feel inadequate. important to that person.
Gold wine, sherry Amatenstein, a New York City-based therapist and MyWellbeing community member, says feeling unloved by a partner is one of the top topics her clients bring up. To find out why, she prompts them to ask themselves these two questions:
Do you depend on your partner’s love to feel lovable?
Often, we measure our self-worth by how we are liked – or feel like we are – by others. To understand why or to uncover certain themes in our lives, it takes a little self-reflection.
One homework Sherry gives a client is to write a romantic resume. First, write down the name of each partner who has had the most influence on your life, including your current partner if you have one. Then write down:
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The good qualities of that person in your relationship
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Their negative qualities in your relationship
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Your good qualities in a relationship
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What are your negative qualities in a relationship?
Writing down your partner as well as their negative and positive qualities and yours can help you test your relationship patterns. For example, if your parents are constantly praising you or criticizing you, this can leave you feeling empty inside and constantly looking for some great gesture from your romantic partner. . Great gestures can provide a brief adrenaline rush, but then you feel the need, because at the end of the day, filling the void is an inside job — yours.
So, if you see a pattern that your partner makes wonderful gestures of love, you’ll be able to see if that’s what you’ve been looking for all this time and start thinking. Think about how that affects your relationships.
This first question is about examining the most important relationship you will ever have — the relationship you have with yourself. Until and unless you feel like a likable person simply because of who you are and whether someone does something that gives you that adrenaline rush you crave, you You won’t be able to feel good about yourself.
When you feel unworthy of love, you can actually close the door and stop sharing the things that really matter.
Then you always feel frustrated because your partner doesn’t understand you. That pain of disappointment may be something you keep looking for simply because it’s familiar — if you grew up with it and you continue to feel let down in your romantic relationships, you might gravitate toward people who continue to frustrate you in order to maintain that sense of familiarity.
But this will only make you shut up and try to protect your heart from the pain. To feel loved, you have to tear down your walls and let people in. This leads to SherryNext question of:
When was the last time you asked your partner what you really needed?
The chance for your partner to read your mind and do exactly what makes you feel so much more loved and appreciated — if they could, they probably would!
For your partner to really understand you, you have to give them a window into what’s really going on beneath your facade.
As a couple, Sherry recommend doing an exercise called Display and Display—Show your partner your flaws and they will show you theirs
While it is no substitute for therapy, it is an exercise that couples with a strong foundation in kindness and respect for each other can use. Here’s how it works:
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Set a timer for ten minutes
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While one person talks, the other just listens without interrupting, giving advice or making any comments
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The person you’re talking to should try to be open about something they’ve never admitted to
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After ten minutes, listeners can chime in with a phrase that validates the speaker’s experience, such as “that sounds scary” or “it makes sense for you to decide to do that.” They may also offer words of support or encouragement, such as “I’m sorry you never told me, but your decision to do so now only makes me love you more.”
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Alienate
Unless you take risks emotionally with your partner and open up to them to truly understand how you feel, it can be difficult to feel secure and loved. It is only when we keep secrets that can cause us shame, regret, or pain that they gain power over us. Once we share and see that our partner’s love for us does not change or diminish, we can feel truly loved.
If Display and Display is too stressful at first, some simple feedback can help
Let’s say you mention that you’re nervous about an upcoming meeting with your boss. Your partner may try to reassure you that you will do great. You can smile and say thank you, but then the conversation turns to another topic when, in fact, you want to take the next step of admitting how scared you really are and How much reassurance do you really need?
You could say, “Hey, I know we’re just starting to talk about X, but I wanted to open up a little bit and say that I’m actually pretty nervous about this upcoming meeting and it’s weighing heavily on my mind. I. I appreciate you saying I’ll do great, but I just can’t seem to keep my confidence. ” You can:
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Mention a time when they have been of great support to you: “When I got that promotion, you said/do X and it made me feel great. I would love if you could do it again. “
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Let them know if there’s anything they can do: “I know I’ll feel great tomorrow morning if I get a text from you before the meeting telling me how much you support me.”
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Tell them exactly what you need: “Perhaps we could talk about it a little longer? It always helps me feel more grounded when you listen.”
Chances are, your partner will appreciate a guide that tells them exactly how they can support you. If you and your partner aren’t used to giving and receiving feedback, it may feel awkward and they may be surprised at first, but it’s never a bad time to start and continue building muscle. there.
If you’re having trouble communicating your needs with your partner, a therapist or relationship coach can help.
If you feel unloved, a therapist or relationship coach can help you build stronger relationships with yourself and find ways to communicate your needs and feelings. with partner. Everyone deserves to be loved in their relationships, but the most important — and lasting — relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. While it may take some time to get there, the best way to feel loved by others is to love yourself first.
