In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’ll find all the weird stupid stuff we can’t match anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we like “an entire page for making terrible jokes that are factually related to the content of the story”.
We don’t have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Next page. Today, Kate takes a stand against the ethics of killing the cute little ones in Kirby…
I played a lot Kirby and the Forgotten Land recently, and while it’s not exactly super challenging in terms of mechanical difficulty, it extremely ethical challenge.
You see, Kirby is a tiny pink shadow of unidentified species, and his friends – the Waddle Dees – are also little things, looking like a different But alike species. It’s very difficult to distinguish what exactly counts as “friendly hateful stuff” and “things that make enemies evil” other than simply asking yourself, “are they currently trying to kill you?” Even then, I’m not sure if I should kill them again.
Are other creatures really “bad”? In the end, they all existed peacefully before Kirby appeared and consumed them. Am I, as Kirby, imposing some terrible order on a happily chaotic world, all for the sake of turning this post-apocalyptic paradise into Waddle Dee Town? Am I some kind war criminal?
To ease my conscience, I’ve put together a ranking list of all of Kirby’s enemies, with the F-Tier as “nah, these guys deserve to die” and the S-Tier as “those who choose to kill the ones who kill them.” this enemy is a real monster.” I would like to invite all of you to submit a printed copy of this article to HAL Labs to beg them for mercy.
F TIER: These guys deserve to die
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GnawcodileI feel like I’m off to a pretty bad start, because Gnawcodile really doesn’t want to start a fight if he can help it. These big boys patrol around the islands and can’t breathe or beat – you can just avoid them, but if you swim too close, they’ll pinch you. Technically, if you run over them by boat, they shouldn’t be a problem for you, but I feel like Kirby – a literal genie – should be able to take down an alligator. |
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ShotzoThey’re just guns with legs. I don’t know how they came into being – maybe their mother was a slightly larger gun – but they are one of nature’s mistakes. The only worthwhile thing about them is their pretty little feet, but that’s no excuse. Mosquitoes also have very few legs and they can suck in any way. |
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MookieHonestly, any cymbal-based cymbal toy/device-based enemy can get right into the crate. |
E TIER: I don’t feel bad about this
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Balloon-MeisterI think this might be a personal relationship, but I hate Balloon-Meister, the sea lion bomber, more than most people imagine. That’s because I love seals: They’re round and fat and incredibly goofy, they spend their days lounging on the beach and screaming. They are so great! Sea lions, on the other hand, are oddly shaped, shiny, and gray-free. And the thing is, I go to aquariums ready to hang out with filthy loaves and there’s always a bloody sea lion there, with its massive flippers and skinny body, balancing a The ball on the nose like that is fine. Is not! It’s not! You are not a seal, and I resent you for that. |
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MumbieMumbies are scary! They follow you around the level with their scary red eyes and I hate them. I’m sorry, but these people should go back to their coffins and leave Kirby alone. Their only redeeming feature is that they are round, which is a beautiful shape. |
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KabuIt’s hard to feel so bad about killing seemingly inanimate enemies, or at least, not sentient beings. Kabu is everywhere in the Forgotten Lands, and while I feel a bit bad that he’s being used as a fairly easy-to-kill side-enemy, I don’t feel bad being the one to kill him. He is a sand castle. |
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Poison CroakomI haven’t fought this guy yet, but he doesn’t look pleasant. He seems to be angry about the length of a queue, or like he’s the type to talk to people about eating bananas in public. Also, he is covered in poison. This is the type of character that often calls the police about scammers or executioners. I hate him. |
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SpookstepI’ve also never fought this guy, but there aren’t many ghost-type chasing enemies that I’m with. Listen, you’re dead! Leave me alone, or you will die two-faced! |
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SssnackerYou might be thinking, “How bad can a snake be? It’s just a snake, and snakes are good.” I agree with you! Snakes are great! But I think Sssnacker is in Tier E for a specific reason: TEACHING SUPPLY IS *MY* THING. Step back, stubborn boy. |
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TwisterIt’s just a little windy, indoors? I don’t feel bad about killing the wind. |
D TIER: Meh, no big loss
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Big KabuKabu is an E Tier because Kabu is a sandcastle with a face. Big Kabu is a B Tier because she is Kabu’s mother (born from her mouth). Killing mothers is morally a little worse than killing… their children… isn’t it? Oh my God. |
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Digguh
I like moles. However, this guy was a bit scary – and besides, he kept trying to kill me with his drill. Plus, I’m sorry to say this, his design isn’t all that cute. |
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PhantaAnother bloody ghost will not leave you alone. This person was at least cuter than the others, so he was raised to D-Class. |
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TorturerHe’s just a turtle stuck in a concrete block. I feel a bit bad about killing him, mainly because you have to do it by stabbing a spike into his shell, and then into his soft body, but he starts it off with trying to bite me. |
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TotengaWhat if a cactus hates you? That was the question Totenga posed. I haven’t fought him yet, but I don’t particularly care if he lives or dies, because when I was little, a cactus fell on my bed while I was sleeping, and I had to get the thorns out. out of your skin. day. Don’t question why there’s a cactus near my bed! CHILDREN DOESN’T SLEEP NEXT CAUSES THAT DOESN’T SLEEP? |
Continue to Page Two to see Tier C through Tier S, which will take you from “a vague, irritating humanoid that wants to kill” to “WHAT MONSTER WILL SLEEP THIS CREATE?!” …
