During the holidays, we are republishing some selection feature from the past 12 months. A mix of talking points, interviews, opinions, etc. from NL staff and contributors, you’ll find our usual blend of thoughtfulness, expertise, caring frivolity, nostalgia and – of course – enthusiasm for all things Nintendo. Happy holidays!
In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’ll find all the weird silly stuff we can’t include anywhere else. Some may call it “sub”; we like “an entire page for making terrible jokes that are directly related to the content of the magazine”.
We don’t have (paper) pages on the internet, but we still love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Next page. Today, Kerry delves into the story of the elusive, whimsical man who is the legendary ‘Uncle at Nintendo’…
An uncle. Maybe yours, maybe your friends. Possibly the uncle of someone named MIYAM0T0S_HAIR on the internet.
You know one. No, it’s not the one that everyone finds enthusiastically dancing to step at a birthday party in that viral video. The other, who had somehow never been mentioned up until the point where their existence was necessary to get past a group of one’s peers in a game-related argument, usually in the playground. He. People who work for Nintendo. what is his name again?
Uncle Nintendo – Man
This mysterious and suddenly remembered (but definitely real) relative doesn’t do any of the boring jobs you’d normally see advertised at a major publisher/developer hybrid. , like marketing, accounts or normal programming while sitting in front of the computer like your uncle’s usual boring job, John; oh no, this magic spell works in a special secret no one has ever heard of.
Obviously, the Nintendo owner uncle you’re chatting with can’t go into detail about this particular project bunker because, you know, it’s secret, the uncle seems to have spent the day observing all sorts of Nintendo mysteries and then, for some reason, regularly breaks legally binding Non-Disclosure Agreements and ends career only so that their niece or nephew has some intriguing gossip to share online. The new Zelda will be only for the cloud version! Mario will appear in Pokémon Graphite! Nintendo will stop making game consoles!
Uncle Nintendo – Myth
Historians speculate the legend of Nintendo’s Uncle is so powerful that it may even predate the Japanese card maker hanafuda itself; a story capable of transcending time, space, and basic common sense thanks to the sheer number of people who have called out this plankton.
But why? Why do people do that? And why do we let them?
You can have any number of uncles, they can be of different ages, they can live anywhere at any time — and no one can prove otherwise
Part of this sublime story depends on how perfect the script is if you’re the type of person who desperately wants your social group to follow your every word in no time. You can have any number of uncles, they can be of different ages, they can live anywhere at any time — and no one can prove otherwise.
There’s some built-in security in the fact that it’s not uncommon for your friends not to see any of your uncles (especially someone who’s very busy working at Nintendo at the moment), and unless someone trying to manipulate. a rare Reverse-Double-Uncle trick – claiming that your uncle can’t work at Nintendo because everyone knows for sure is theirs – your assertion is pretty safe from the usual social scrutiny . No matter how many times it is said, the Nintendo Uncle setup is always sensible enough for uninitiated listeners to allow the spinner to continue.
And that’s where the rest of us come in. Uncle Nintendo still exists in the modern age because we love hearing these ridiculous untruths as much as some people love to tell them.
Half Life 3 is a Switch exclusive, right? Please, tell me more. You heard a new one Nintendo Labs the set will be out next year and will include a dedicated set F-Zero controller, but you can’t say why? Oh continue, you tease! Your uncle Nintendo lent you a prototype N64 cart containing mother 3 in English? Of course he did – spill those beans! Konami will be celebrating 35 years of their popularity Castlevania series not with new game collection or super expensive collection but a series of NFTs? YES, The current you are pushing it. As if they would ev—
Oh.
Uncle Nintendo – Stats
Our own estimates suggest that there are at least 160,300 uncles directly employed by Nintendo at any given time, all of which work on top-secret Switch 3D Pro Advance hardware projects and deliver prototypes. games that their nieces and nephews are not allowed to show anyone, such as Pokemon Swords Turbo Stadium and Superstar Kirby: Uncensored Version – The One DeDeDe Dies With Blood And Guts And Everything.
However, this estimate presents some problems, since last year’s annual report shows that Nintendo employs 6,574 people globally and 3,411 employees identified as male. For the sake of debate, let’s be extremely generous and claim that each of them is one real Nintendo Uncle, whether they’re brand new interns, gray-haired directors, or creative co-workers.
According to the most recent data at the time of writing, Switch has now sold nearly 93 million units. Let’s also assume that each hypothetical Real Nintendo Uncle has a pair of neat ‘siblings’, both of whom bought one of those 93 million Switches. If we do the math right, in the best possible case, about 0.007% of Switch owners actually have an uncle working for Nintendo, somewhere.
That means the chances are slim MIYAM0T0S_HAIR maybe are telling the truth when they say they have a special Switch with a 3DS cart slot and that Infinite aura will definitely come to Switch next year.
Uncle Nintendo – Truth
However, despite all the odds and all the craziest rumors people are said to have heard directly from the mouths of their Nintendo Uncles, sometimes, just sometimes, myths This turned out to be true. sound games on the Nintendo system? Yes right! Oh wait, no, it really happened. It actually happened quite a lot. And it keeps happening.
Nearly every round of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate ever played is the whole story of the chat server Uncle Nintendo comes true
Almost every round Super Smash Bros. Finally ever played is the story of Uncle Nintendo’s entire chat server came true. blade Cooperation with solid metal gears‘s Snake to knock down Fire Emblemof Marth and Sephiroth’s Final Fantasy VII famous on top of the Silph Co. are from Pokémon? That’s what you can do right now.
For a while, Nintendo actually used satellites to project all sorts of new things Zelda, F-Zeroand Kirby (mini) game into the house. Probably not your Nintendo uncle. Maybe not even many Japanese households can afford to apply Satellite viewing servicebut for a while, that unlikely fact turns out to be entirely true.
And of course we’ve all heard that one in particular crazy fabricated Nintendo’s abandonment of the home market and the separate mobile market entirely to create a weird hybrid console with a detachable controller that means everything at once. That will never catch up, surely?
What is your favorite uncle-based Nintendo rumor? What did you confess from your dear old uncle on the playground? Let us know below.
