Dogs are a lot like humans: Some have great manners; others have not. I don’t know about you, but I’ve known dogs with a harsh and superior judgmental appearance that can cause even the most poorly behaved people to change their way of life for the better.
In my humble opinion, some types of dogs writing a column of manners for unruly puppies is not a far-fetched concept. I mean, not mine – mine will give advice on how to be a thug – but other people can give “Dear Abby” for her money.
Here are some counseling topics dogs can ask — and how straight-backed dogs will respond to them.
Why doesn’t the cat appreciate my affection? Is he even an entity?
We are fairly certain that cats are not alien species, despite evidence to the contrary. Some really like the dog’s affection and dare to seek it; other people don’t like you. Unless the kitten is hanging around to be cuddled, it’s best to leave this sharp-clawed exotic four-legged dog alone.
Our mail carrier is particularly evil. How can I let him know I’m with him without holding my owner liable?
We know you’re asking yourself who the heck is every day creeping into private property to drop a bunch of useless paperwork. People in strange uniforms deliver what is called a “letter” to your employer every day except holidays and Sundays. They mean you’re not harmed and to be honest, your angry, aggressive vibes are sketchy. Sure, do your job, but be cool with this. They sometimes carry ouchy eye sprays and other dog deterrents.
My people only tell me I’m a good boy once a day. How can I let her know I need more?
Sometimes a Level 5 Clinger puppy finds himself a good match for a Level 1 Clinger. It doesn’t mean your hairless leader doesn’t love you; she just had other things going on. Simple, calm and gentle but constantly reminding her that you need her – nudge her hand, give her a hug, give her those irresistible puppy dog eyes the kind we know. – and she’ll shower you with the love you need and deserve.
While traveling with my partner, another person yelled at me for pooping in a place that had a strong smell like I wasn’t the first pooper to put it there. Bring what?
Um, human. That’s what for. Unfortunately, some just don’t like dogs or dogs that heed the call of nature on their lawn regardless of your owner’s responsible pickup practices. If they’re upset about it, they can post “No dogs, please” on their pasture area. If not, just know it’s them, not you. Your owner can handle the slings and arrows of the haters for you.
Is it really inappropriate to eat food on the counter when my owner has left? I mean, she left it there, and it went against my dog’s food-wasting nature!
Humans do strange, forgetful, and simply stupid things. All of. The. Time. Like leaving food on a plate before finishing it. Again, who does that?! However, just because something is there doesn’t mean it’s yours. The docile baby mice will gently accept what is offered to them. Stage = Stage.
Why can’t I pull my leash? Why can’t my master go faster or be patient when I need to sniff things out?
Pulling your leash is just poor form. We know why you do it, but the human on the other end of the tether usually doesn’t. If she doesn’t figure out how to work with you to understand that not pulling will mean a better walking experience for both of you, just try to relax and breathe.
My owner yelled when I barked at the doorbell. Isn’t my job to protect her? Should I let the boogeyman teach her a lesson?
“I saved my employer from two mail carriers, three lawyers and a Girl Scout trying to sell stuff, but she’s still ungrateful.” Sound familiar? Yes, we thought so. Loud, clear barks in response to the doorbell are perfectly appropriate and your partner should be grateful. However, once she acknowledges her perception of the aforementioned random intruder, silence it.
I have an alpha personality, but my fluffy brother is always teasing me and stealing my toys and then acting like he was wrong when I correct him. How can I send him a message that I’m the boss?
It sounds like your furry brother is a puppy who has yet to learn the true meaning of pack hierarchy. Most dogs fall into the natural pack order and read messages about teeth, tails, ears, etc., loud and clear. Continue to school the child, but gently, and he will learn his place in the cave.
Do I have to greet people and act sloppy and stupid around them? My mom just told them I was “anxious” or something. What do I do?
There’s nothing wrong with being aloof – or “a floater” for that matter. The point is when ignorant and “uninformed” humans can’t catch you, try to pet you and get offended when you don’t act like they’re the best thing ever. from cutting the chicken. They cannot realize how unusual they would be if others approached them in the same way. Our advice to you is to be friends and patiently endure unwanted emotions. Chatty and grabby Cathy will soon be distracted by something else.
