Editor’s Note: Our August theme on W&D is about planting the seeds for the life you want. As we near the end of the month, we’ll revisit an article Kate originally wrote in February 2020. In it, she explores the most important questions to discuss before moving in with a partner. . Its a topic that is particularly relevant for this month’s theme and we hope you find some wisdom in her words.
First morning in our new apartment After moving in together, Joe went out for a bagel. We were out late the night before and I deleted my contacts around 3am and threw them on the bedroom floor. Melancholy, I drop out of bed and walk into the living room, fully knowing a bagel with a hand covered in cream cheese will make last night linger in my stomach and become a distant memory. Inside the bag, I found a small box, and in that small box, my engagement ring.
Joe and I knew that we would be engaged as soon as we moved in together. It was discussed, in the long run, even though at the time we had only been dating for a few months. That’s one of the reasons I know him as “one of the”—We both wear our hearts on our sleeves. But this proved more difficult as life became more intertwined.
And there is no better way to make a relationship complicated than living together.
Don’t get me wrong — in a way, that’s great! Saving on rent AND living with the person you’re sleeping with? It is a win-win outcome and good for all.
That is until real life bursts through the bedroom door, and unfortunately, my sweet lovebirds, that it could be a real B.
I’ve found the old saying, “What you love about them now will drive you crazy later” especially true as Joe and I entered our seventh year of marriage. What we have discovered is that these traits are not something to be feared and avoided – they are signals that we need to be on the lookout for communication.
These questions are the ones we should ask before our relationship begins to blossom over shared boxes and mismatched coffee cups.
These questions are the ones we should ask before our relationship begins to blossom over shared boxes and mismatched coffee cups. In the debate over whether to hang that old poster from college or get out of that sentimental chair.
These are difficult but necessary questions to ask yourself and your partner before moving in together.
Because while we all do our best to communicate, we all inevitably have blind spots. And it’s best to prepare everything before signing the lease or buy house.
The first question is to ask WHY.
Is it because you live in an expensive city? Or because you think it’s the next logical step in your relationship? Could it hurt the relationship or help the relationship? Why will it strengthen your current relationship and do you have the same desired vision for the future of your relationship?
Discuss where you will live.
Should you move to theirs or yours? Or does it make sense to start fresh, free from the ghosts of past relationships? Does it fit your commute or work situation? What is your ideal living space? What are three things you both want your house to look like? How would you handle decoration? Maintenance? Let’s say you’re more of a Joanna Gaines and they have a really strong opinion about displaying their shoe collection. WHO WINS? Or is it even worth fighting for?
Walk in the weeds on FINANCE.
How will general expenses be handled? Will you have a joint savings account? Who will be responsible for paying the bills? How will groceries and daily expenses be handled? Will each of you keep a checking account?
Be honest about your Habits.
What has your pet stolen? What can trigger your partner about you? Are your sleeping habits compatible? How will moving in together change your sex life? How do you deal with low intimacy? When it comes to personal space, how much do you need? Can you ask “me” the time? How clean are you? How clean are they?
Learn the facts about CONTRACT.
At this point in your relationship, what are you fighting about? What upsets you about the way you handle conflict? What if you don’t like being in the same room after a fight? Do your fights often lead to you growing closer and overcoming your problems? Are there any wars that you have constantly? Is combining your living space and cost sharing more of an issue? Are you prepared to speak very clearly about issues in advance? Are they not?
WHAT IS YOUR SELLER?
Unannounced family drop? Going out late with friends? Overspending? What about porn? Unfaithful? Be sure to discuss the deal breakers you will be looking for a new sublet.
Think BEST Scenario Scenarios.
What happens if you break up? How would you split the joint purchases? What about pets? Have you seen each other sick? Do you have any potential medical emergencies they need assistance with? What if one of you is sick for a long time?
The thing I am most proud of in my life is my marriage to Joe. We fight for its health and strength every day. Ask hard and honest questions about our feelings — it’s the foundation of a relationship that is met with compassion and vulnerability. It may feel uncomfortable at the time, but you will reap the benefits of lifelong intimacy.
Kate is currently learning to play the ukulele, leaving her husband, children and dogs desperate. Follow her on Instagram at @witanddelight_.
