Most of us have been there — we were trying to enjoy our pumpkin pie when we were suddenly cornered by a curious relative.
Still no kids?
Why don’t you drink?
Have you found a real job yet?
Are you losing weight?
When did you settle down?
Whether they’re well-intentioned or not, intrusive questions from friends and family during holiday events or otherwise can turn a good time into a time that makes you want to crawl into bed and cover up. Up to the top. If the thought of inquiring into personal questions is making you dread upcoming gatherings and events, you’re not alone. Here are some ways you can deal with nosy family and friends.
Plan your visit and what you will say ahead of time
Before you head out your own door (or have guests in!), think about the topics that might come up, the questions that might be asked, and the topics you’d like to avoid altogether.
“Please clarify a brief answer (or decline to answer) that you are comfortable with,” says Joanne Davies, a hypnotherapist and MyWellbeing community member. “Then use that EXACT phrase at all times and with everyone asked. It saves you from having to think about it and makes people less likely to ask if they get the same boring answer. “
Planning what you can say in advance will help you answer with confidence
You don’t have to obsess over every question you might be asked and every possible answer, but if you know there’s a certain topic your family or friends are bound to bring up, do so. think about what you are going to say. can answer confidently — and maybe even with a hint of humour.
“I recommend letting your personality take the lead,” says Janette Marsac, a therapist and MyWellbeing community member. “Do you find it funny? Make a joke about it. Serious? Give them honest feedback on where you are focusing your attention or passion at the moment. Feeling unsafe? Politely decline the topic and start another. ”
“These questions are often ice-breakers, and if it’s a conversation with a distant family member, they may not know much about your life, your priorities, or your goals. If you want, share with them what’s important right now. If you don’t want to share, politely ask to forward.”
It’s possible that the same script won’t work for everyone, and depending on the person, your answer may vary. Think about who is most likely to initiate the interview and have their answers ready. For example, if your family is dying because you don’t know when you will have children, Ruth Kyle, a therapist and MyWellbeing community member, offers several different directions to take:
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To sweet Aunt Margaret: “You’ll be one of the first to know it!”
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To Uncle Frank sarcastically: “We still have to figure out how to explain you to them first, so…”
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To everyone else: “We promise that when that time comes, we won’t let anyone off the hook!” or “We’ve decided to be the best aunt and uncle in the family, and plan to spend a lot of time and energy on our sweet nieces.”
If humor isn’t your thing or the topic doesn’t make you funny (or you’re simply fed up!), choose the direct route. If you can’t ask one more question about when you’re due, use this line from therapist and community member MyWellbeing Stacy McCall-Martin: “Thanks for your concern. My reproductive selection is a personal matter that I am not discussing at this time”.
You can also decide when you will visit or stay
Just because you always go home for a week’s holiday or visit a relative doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it! If an event or gathering simply doesn’t bring you joy anymore (or if it never did…), You have the right to refuse or find the time period that works best for you. Maybe instead of a week, you’re going away for the weekend, or instead of letting your family stay at your house, you’ll send them a list of nearby accommodations.
No need to add to the delusional insistence that family gatherings are perfect and wonderful and everyone should be filled with joy at all times because that is simply not realistic for most people–and it’s okay! You are allowed Set the boundaries you need, whether that means getting rid of conversations that make you uncomfortable, shortening your stay, or not participating in gatherings at all.
Take charge of the conversation or change the subject
What will happen Friend instead of talking about? You don’t have to be the recipient of conversations you don’t want to participate in — you can control and guide the situation that’s right for you.
“If you think Aunt Rosa is just trying to ask questions about your life but is going the wrong way, direct her to something you’re more comfortable talking about.” Teresa Thompson, a therapist and MyWellbeing community member. “’It’s not a topic I want to get into right now, but I’m really excited about the backpacking trip I’m planning next year. Would you like to see some pictures of the places I’m going to visit? ‘”
“Sometimes there are generational or cultural differences in acceptable topics of conversation — what the person asking the question might consider a casual inquiry, you might find conceited or intrusive. offense.”
If figuring things out is hard for you, get a few people to start a conversation, suggest a game, or dig a little and see if you can ask the other person some good questions. no — simply chat and non-intrusive ones, of course.
And if you know you’re about to find yourself in a difficult situation, reach out to your allies for assistance. A sibling can help when you’re cornered, or a cousin who’s always been the lifeblood of the group can keep an eye on you and change the subject as needed. Help them intervene if they see you talking to an unfriendly family member or even have a code word or signal you can use to let them know you need to be rescued.
At the end of the day, intrusive — and sometimes rude — questions say more about the questioner than about you.
As best you can, leave their words behind your back. We’re not trying to minimize the difficulty that inappropriate personal questions from family and friends can be. But those curious questions are more about them than about you.
Even if their questions aren’t so subtle that they don’t approve of your life or decisions, that doesn’t mean you have to do it that way. By asking if you have a “real” job, are planning to start a family, gain or lose weight, or any other inappropriate question, it signals to you that this could be a sign of social or family pressure on them — and they’re trying to pass it on to you. Smile, redirect, remind yourself: not me; that’s them, and move on to a conversation that pleases you.
Even if you love your family and friends, gatherings can be overwhelming, especially during the holidays. But with a few tools in your back pocket, you’ll be able to prepare for their curious questions and enjoy your pie in peace.
