As I began to surround myself with other fathers of color, I began to realize I was not alone. Popular media, television, and music continue to perpetuate the idea that black fathers are not in their children’s lives, and that simply isn’t true. Good black fathers do exist, but it takes more time for our experience and contributions to be recognized.
A child with a father figure is extremely important and powerful. I find that my children’s views on fatherhood are being shaped by what they see in me.
Parenting during a Pandemic
Before COVID-19, my wife was working full time at a university. After giving birth to my son, I support her decision to quit her job to spend more time taking care of our children and home. Caring for four children, including one with special needs and one just learning to walk, especially during a pandemic, is not one person’s job. It requires flexibility and patience. Even simple tasks like taking out the trash can become complicated if timing isn’t perfect.
One of the hardest times for us during the pandemic was when my wife was sick and we were worried she might have contracted the virus. As we awaited her test results, she was quarantined in our room for a few days while I took on the responsibility of looking after our children and her. During that time, my family depended most on me as a father and husband, but I still needed to work to provide food and shelter for all of us.
It’s hard to give 100% of who you are to each of these distinct roles, and I’ve silently struggled for fear of bringing guilt to anyone who depends on me. Even after my wife recovered, I still had to go through many sleepless nights, worrying about who I was letting down every day — my kids, my wife, or my co-workers?
As I became better at expressing my feelings to my wife and co-workers, I also gradually began to better balance my roles. I don’t want to be the dad who’s always working and not being in my kids’ lives, and they all understand that. I am grateful to have had the flexibility to be the best father, husband, and professional I can be. Every day during my lunch break, I put my youngest child down for a nap. Feel his little hand grab my finger as he says “Dada, are you going to bed?” is my signal that it’s time for the highlight of my day. My wife and I take turns helping the school-age kids with their homework, preparing lunch, and taking the whole family out to play. What’s memorable in these times is that I can closely watch my children grow up right in front of my eyes.
Support care with policy, culture and leadership
I realize how lucky I am to be able to find balance. Many obstacles prevent fathers from being fully present in the happy family day. Because of the environment I grew up in, I deeply understand the forces that hold people back. I am referring not only to a culture that encourages men only to pursue traditionally very narrow male career paths, but also systems that make it difficult for men to leave their jobs when they have just had children or their parents are disabled. Sick. There is no doubt that policymakers can do more to break down those barriers with reforms like paid leave.
There is also a role for employers here. It’s really important to build a culture that not only extends paid leave benefits, but also encourages employees to use them when needed. I used to worry a lot when I had to quit my job when someone in my family got sick. This, in addition to anxiety and stress, makes the situation even more difficult. I don’t feel that way anymore, and wish others had that autonomy. I am grateful that I am able to take time off and be an active parent and caregiver during this devastating time.
There’s also a cultural part — caregiving responsibilities can affect someone’s career development. This is very important for people in positions of high power. Even if you have the right policies in place, people can subtly judge or fire people who actually leave their jobs to care for them. Supervisors must set an example and be aware of implicit biases.
Wrong archetypes of a leader’s appearance can influence decision making. Even a well-intentioned supervisor may wonder, “Should I avoid delegating more responsibilities to one person as a caregiver?” They may have good intentions, but that attitude can hold someone back. It’s not just about having the right policies on books, it’s about making sure they’re implemented fairly, too.
Bring it home
I have also seen what caring men can do to help a family grow and prosper. When my wife was raising her son with autism, as a single mother, her caring role was huge. Depending on the resources available to you, where you live, and how much support you have from family or friends, being a single parent can be extremely challenging. You can continuously put out the fire, burn yourself out and stress. You may not be flexible in planning for the future if the present feels like a nightmare. How can you think of investing if you can’t even pay the bills? She and her children in the city where she lives have few or no resources, so she relies mainly on her mother to get through that stage of her life.
For me to take on the role as her partner has had a huge impact on me. I also see that my wife now has more freedom to dream. She became a certified life coach, discovered her passion for psychology, and is taking college courses. We put together a podcast where we have real, honest and transparent discussions about relationships, family, and careers. Hearing her aspirations and seeing her grow was breathtaking. At the same time, our son’s growth went through the roof. This was uplifting for all of us.
As someone who has been affected by false stories and is trying to create a new one, I am grateful to be involved in this work. In life at home, I know that I don’t always have the perfect words to express how I feel when I give orders, but my kids know that I love them and so does my wife, because I was able to. show them every day. Nothing is more important to me than that.
Like me, many men of color take pride in taking care of their children and families. To read more about our experience, check out our new short series on Portraits of Black Men Who Care and Every Family Is Men Enough to Care, including our thought-provoking survey. They are about men who really care about others.
