Why I Quit Dating Apps Like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge
In April, I made a decision: I deleted Hinge. It’s the last dating app left on my phone.
Aside from Hinge, I’ve tried Tinder, Bumble, The League, and JDate and likely spent hundreds of hours scouring them in hopes of finding that coveted long-term relationship.
But I’m still single. And I’m very tired.
What at first seemed like a fun, inexpensive way to get into the wild world of dating, turned into a chore and frustrating business.
After five fruitless years, from now on I will only date in the real world.
I had a 4% success rate
I was late with the apps.
I didn’t really dive into 2017 when I decided to give Tinder a month-long trial. I packed two to three appointments a week over the course of a month. At the time, the whole thing was quite novel and interesting. Who are the strangers made over my phone?
I decided to keep going.
In the past 5 years, I have dated at least 50 times with 50 different guys. I think I clicked maybe five of them and ended up dating two in a few months.
If we consider the latter a success, that’s a 4% success rate – amazingly low odds.
That’s not to say I think it’s impossible to meet a great person on a dating app. Today, online dating is the most popular way for heterosexual couples in the US to meet a 2019 study by researchers at Stanford University and the University of New Mexico.
But personally, I have not had such luck.
What I find on these apps instead is: frustration at all the wasted effort, anger that it rarely works for me, fear that it will never work for me. and general feeling of exhaustion.
I know I’m not alone. Nearly half (45%) of Americans who have used dating apps or websites in the previous year say the experience left them feeling more frustrated, according to a Pew Research Center survey in October 2019 out of 4,860 adults in the US.
‘It’s like hitting a slot machine’
In talking with friends and reading various media about modern dating, I’ve noticed that people have all sorts of legal frills: Matchers won’t respond, ghost texters , people get nude photos they didn’t ask for.
To me, no matter how real a person’s photo or how accurate his description or how serious he is with messaging, no digital profile can represent whole person.
It cannot even represent the majority of one person. Technology is too flat, superficial and limited in space to capture someone.
In addition, importantly, these applications cannot predict chemistry. Only face-to-face makes it possible to understand both what a person likes and if you click.
What I found when I was dating these 50 guys from apps was that, amazingly, if I met them in life before swiping or liking or texting, I would know that I’m not interested. I already know that there is no spark.
“Think of it like hitting a slot machine,” says Devyn Simonedating coach and high end matchmaking according to the Three-Day Rule, about the odds of meeting someone on the app. “Does everyone win on slot machines? Absolutely… But how many times do people play without winning?”
You can’t rush love
At 36, I’m trying to be more intentional about how I spend my time. There is evidence of this kind of attitude improve health. And the more intentional I am, the less patient I am with optional activities that make me quite miserable, including online dating. They’re not worth it.
It’s been five months since I deleted the last dating app on my phone.
Now, instead of scrolling through and chatting with men whose vibes I can’t measure and meeting just to strike up a conversation, I’m chatting with my grandma or reading plays or watching stand with friends ( “Just for us” to be well done).
Life is not without occasional disappointments (I had Covid a few weeks ago, for example). But no more agonizingly scrolling through random profiles and sending meaningless texts and filling it with activities and people I love.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m afraid I’ll never meet someone as a result of this act.
Uncertainty is a trigger for anxiety, Russell Ramsay, Professor of clinical psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, told me once. And a life without a constant stream of “choices” is not uncertain.
But I’m also putting myself in many situations where I’m guaranteed to meet people. I joined a writing group and took writing and acting classes this year.
I have made space for more in my life.
Regardless of whether or not these experiences bring me before the man of my dreams, I am being inspired and finding joy and fulfillment in ways I didn’t realize I missed.
Payment procedures:
‘Work is the most important way to prove your worth,’ and it’s making Americans miserable: professor
Harvard professor: 5 activities that can increase your happiness quickly and they are free
Will Netflix’s ‘Love Is Blind’ Work In Real Life? Here’s what a dating expert and psychologist says
Register now: Get smarter about your money and career with our weekly newsletter