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Is being friends with an ex ever a good idea?
Last month, Life Kit asked our audience this question as part of a story and podcast episode on the subject. If you share kids or pets, it might make sense, our relationship experts say. But stay away if you’re in an abusive relationship or still have feelings for the other person.
Dozens of listeners wrote to us expressing their thoughts on this topic. Their story illustrates the many possibilities that can happen when a romance ends. Some people say that their ex is their best friend. Some people say they have to stay intimate for practical purposes. Others said they realized… they didn’t want to be friends at all!
These answers have been edited for length and clarity.
‘We still live together’
My ex and I are not only good friends, but we also live under the same roof and raise our 13-year-old son together.
When we divorced in 2015, we decided to stay in the same house. Housing in California is expensive. Each of us would suffer a huge financial loss if we had to sell our house and find our own place to live.
We also didn’t want to share time with our son, who was 5 years old at the time. With this arrangement, we can co-parent more effectively and see our son every day. We drafted a custody agreement that outlined when each of us would be responsible for our son and his care. Now, almost 9 years later, my ex and I are very close. But no, we won’t get back together.
Yes, dating is difficult. Who wants to date a man who still lives with his ex? But the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. –Brian Gonzales
‘My ex-wife is my best friend’
I have been divorced from my ex-wife for 22 years. We have two children, a boy and a girl, now grown up and living close to home.
For a long time after my divorce, I was hurt, angry, and lost. But after looking back at the hurtful things I said and did, I better understand her point of view. I need to be more mature.
Very slowly, we began to lean on each other for help. She has health problems and is disabled. Today, my ex-wife is my best friend. We advise each other on many aspects of life, from dealing with siblings to home repairs. We celebrate family events with our children and their significant others. We are now so proud of a precocious 2 year old, the joy of our lives.
It’s nice not to be bitter and angry over a failed marriage. –Todd Scheler
‘I want to have less contact with my ex’
My (now) ex-wife and I divorced this January. We have been together for 34 years and raised two sons, now 33 and 28 years old.
For the sake of our children and to honor our years together, we both intend to maintain an amicable relationship. But I’m not sure what shape that relationship will take in the future.
Currently, I want to have as little contact with my ex as possible. I need the mental space to explore who I am in 2024 as a 67-year-old recently divorced man. And I wanted to allow the feelings and thoughts about the breakup of our family and our divorce to process. –Bill Cooper
‘I wish he was a little miserable’
Six months ago, my husband of eight years and partner of 21 years divorced me. He said he still wanted me in his life but as a friend.
We communicate regularly and see each other several times a week. But let’s be honest: it’s hard to see him get up and move on while I’m still dealing with everything. I want him to be happy but at the same time I want him to suffer a little.
It didn’t help that we had a fairly small group of friends. When I met him with a mutual friend, they discussed the people in their lives, lives that seemed to involve me less and less. It left me feeling like a third wheel. –David Lantrip
PS Make sure your readers know I’m pretty hot. And obviously single.
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‘He believes that we will continue to be close friends’
When my 15-year relationship ended, my partner — who was in the process of becoming my ex — said he firmly believed we would continue to be best friends.
Suddenly, I blurted out: “But I don’t make friends with people of your caliber.”
It’s interesting to realize that the person you started the relationship with could turn out to be someone you now wouldn’t choose to get to know. This helps me stand firmly in the present moment, knowing one thing for sure. —Maya Drozdz
‘It creates something beautiful’
My ex and I were not compatible emotionally and had a bad breakup filled with mistrust, jealousy, and sour moments.
However, I still want to be friends again. We are both gay and felt a lot of pressure to be friends for the sake of our friend group. So, I decided to forgive my ex for everything that happened. It backfired so much that we didn’t speak for years afterward.
It was during COVID that we reconnected. We lived in the same city. I got married to another woman. My ex-wife and my wife met for the first time not long after.
We talked at length about how we could be better friends and have a meaningful relationship. My wife, my ex, and I danced and had adventures together. When I was pregnant, my ex was the one who supported me. My ex is now part of my chosen family.
This did not happen overnight. Time gave us space to heal and have many conversations about how we wanted to move forward together. It creates something even more unexpectedly beautiful. –LaKecia Farmer
Thank you to everyone who took the time to email Life Kit with your submission. Sign up for our weekly newsletter to participate in reader-created stories like this one.
This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at [email protected].
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