Dating is a roller coaster ride. Whether you are looking for a normal situation or hope of settling down, dating comes with its ups and downs of expectations, rejection, fun, infatuation, boredom and burnout, just to name a few. feel.
On top of that, dating can be a challenging life transition for people who are entering post-breakup, divorce, or widowhood. I have worked with many clients who come to therapy hoping to solve some of the problems that have been holding them back from love. In therapy, we can unravel the emotions and mental scenarios that are getting in the way — and revive their experience.
You may have seen therapists describe “dating and relationships” as one of their treatment specialties. Have you ever wondered how exactly therapy can make a difference in your dating life? Continue reading!
1. Clarify what you want
For some people, dating is complicated because they’re not sure what they’re looking for. What is our culture, community, family, and social media feeds that can set certain expectations about dating? suppose to achieve, but those ideas can take the fun out of dating and make it feel overwhelming.
Therapy can be a space to unpack the source of those expectations and reflect on how well they do (or don’t!) align with your personal goals. On a deeper level, a therapist can guide you in discovering your values and feelings, and understanding any surroundings or fears that may be holding you back.
2. Understand your attachment style
There are many quizzes on the internet to tell you what your favorite noodle dish says about your love style. While pasta preferences may not provide the most useful dating insights, it’s true that we each have a relationship style. Therapists use the term “attachment style” to describe the very real and very powerful pattern of relationships with others that each of us begins to form when we are just other people. newborn baby. Our attachment style is shaped by the way that love and care is provided in our family.
Research shows that our early attachment styles tend to predict our relationship styles as adults that we often don’t realize. Therapists who specialize in psychodynamic, relational, and schema-focused work can help you bring these patterns to light. In turn, this can help break the cycle of dating the same type of partner over and over again that isn’t right for you.
3. Boost your confidence
What could be more vulnerable than dating? Put yourself out there waiting for the scrutiny of a virtual stranger, provide your heart, and possibly tell someone everything about you (eep!).
Prospects are tough for anyone, and more so if you’ve been struggling with self-esteem. A therapist can work with you to understand how your own “self-talk” (how you relate to yourself in your mind) is affecting your self-esteem and enhancing self-worth. yourself so that you can find a life partner who is worthy of you. when. Therapy is also a place where you can learn about your “position of control,” which is the psychologist talking about the degree of autonomy and power you feel in your choices.
Therapy is a great place to boost your confidence because the act of pursuing therapy is a hands-on way of assessing yourself.
4. Dealing with Grief
Remember when we said that dating is vulnerable? It is also an exercise in intimacy and loss that follows a rapid cycle. Grief is pain. Rejection is painful. Being afflicted by ghosts. Of course, this pain will be multiplied if you go back to the dating scene after death or a broken relationship. Or you may be in pain over something or someone that you never had but wish you could have.
Sometimes, you may have trouble dating because there is sadness that needs to be addressed and handled. A therapist who works with loss, separation, and grief can teach you how to work through your emotions, say goodbye the right way, and open up to someone new.
5. Reduce confounding symptoms
For many people, psychological issues like generalized anxiety, major depression, mania, or post-traumatic stress make the dating process a real challenge. It’s hard to make dinner plans when you’re having a hard time getting out of bed or trying to deal with panic attacks.
You’re not alone. Aggressively targeted therapy for these symptoms can reduce your distress and widen the bandwidth for dating. As two examples: cognitive behavioral therapy can effectively reduce symptoms such as obsessions/compulsions and panic attacks, and trauma-focused therapy can reduce PTSD-related memories and flashbacks. .
6. Develop your skills
You know when someone has a great “game”? They have a range of skills that make them a great professional: putting together a compelling profile, initiating and holding a witty conversation, paying the right amount of attention and follow-up.
Dating, like any other pursuit, comes with its own set of skills. The thing is, we don’t learn those things in school. Working with a behavioral therapist or skills group can be a helpful way to learn and practice key skills for creating a conversation, always planning, and understanding nonverbal cues, such as: as some skills.
7. Deal with sexuality and intimacy
While our society has become more comfortable talking about sex, the conversation is still very narrow. For most people, sex, sexual pleasure, sexual function, and everything in between are sensitive to discussion and often shrouded in secrecy. Find a therapist you trust who can help you explore your gender, body image, sexual identity, and sexual function.
For those living with functional conditions such as vagus, erectile dysfunction, or premature ejaculation (often with mental and emotional factors), a sex therapist or somatic therapist can provide guidance. you effective treatment. And for everyone, a body positivity therapist can help you get in touch with your body and your own pleasure so you feel more confident when embarking on a sexual relationship.
8. Deepen your emotional connections
If you’ve gone through hundreds of dating stalemates, you’re probably feeling frustrated, bored, or frustrated. Or maybe you keep meeting people who are good enough and feel…nothing. A therapist can help you understand and deepen your emotional connection with others.
Sometimes we experience an emotional block because there is some discomfort that we are trying to hold back, or because we don’t want to invest too much, or because we have trouble perceiving our emotions. yourself (what psychologists call “arrhythmia”). In therapy, you can build a richer texture to your own emotional experience, which affects your relationships with others. Therapy is ideal for this because it’s a relationship like no other: your therapist is there to be empathetic, honest, and non-judgmental as you explore and express those feelings.
This list is by no means exhaustive, but are just some of the ways that therapy can really impact — and improve — your dating life. While you’re searching and swiping, remember you don’t have to handle it all yourself! Therapy can be just a game-changing investment in yourself.
