Jasjyot Singh Hans for NPR
If you’ve never lost sleep at night worrying about relationships, we’re not the same.
For most of my life, bedtime meant reflection. I agonized over a crush. I analyzed work emails in my head, wondering how I made my coworkers feel. I pondered a friend’s depression, a family member’s lengthy job search, and whether my elderly neighbor was lonely. It was lonely and exhausting.
If you value empathy and community, it’s okay to lose a little sleep over social relationships (study (It has been shown that caring about others has a positive impact on our health.) But if worrying about others negatively affects your life, or if you rely unhealthily on others for your self-esteem, it could be a sign of a behavior called codependency.
“Codependent people are people who love others more than they love themselves,” says Melody Beattie, author of No more interdependencea central text on this subject. It may look like saying yes to someone else. When you want to say no, drop everything to save a friend in crisis, or can’t stop worrying about a family member in trouble.
While this concept lacks a formal diagnosis in Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disordersInterdependence can lead to negative emotional consequences, Beattie says. That includes a deep need for approval from others, a pattern of avoiding conflict, or tendency to ignore one’s own needs.
Do you tend to be codependent?
A few years ago, I began to notice a gap between the types of relationships I wanted — mutually beneficial, healthy, loving, happy — and the types of relationships I actually had — distant, one-sided, and (sometimes) unhealthy.
The gap between desire and reality made me consider whether I had codependent tendencies. If you’re wondering the same thing, Beattie offers some questions to ask yourself.
- Do you value other people’s needs more than your own? Anxiety and low self-esteem can make it impossible for codependents to set the boundaries they need to care for themselves, so they let others “run their lives into chaos,” Beattie says. This can lead to feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt—and contribute to problems like depression or staying in harmful situations for too long.
- Do you have a habit of trying to solve other people’s problems? Codependent people tend to get overly involved in other people’s lives. When we base our relationships on feeling needed or getting caught up in someone else’s pain, we can neglect ourselves — and that Beattie says it can lead to self-hatred and self-loathing.
- Is a loved one’s addiction or illness affecting your life? For example, if a codependent person is attached to an alcoholic, they may focus all their energy on helping their loved one quit drinking or stay sober. Or they may stay home because they think it will help their partner avoid the temptation to drink. By this definition, codependents follow a dysfunctional relationship pattern. They are only okay if the other person is okay.
After reflecting on my own behavioral patterns, I realized that I do have some interdependent ways of relating to the world, especially with my tendency to worry about others. I thought: if I just help my friends, colleagues, and neighbors, maybe I will get the connection i crave in love, work and life.
How to Get Out of a Codependent Relationship
When we derive value from supporting others at the expense of our own well-being, we risk the quality of our relationships. To break out of this pattern, try shifting the focus from others to yourself. Here are some ways to do that.
- Seek professional help. If you think you may be codependent, talk to a therapist who can help you explore and change your behavior. You can also join a support group. Anonymous codependenta 12-step program, has a list of groups on their website.
- Give up control with boundaries. Before we rescue, care for, or worry too much about others, Beattie recommends considering our motives. Are we trying to help? Or are we trying to control others? Boundaries can help us practice self-care by setting limits on the physical and mental space we give others.
- Take care of yourself before taking care of otherslicensed marriage and family therapist says Shawn Michael Howardwho is in the process of legally changing her name to Adesola Nnamdi. “A person knows if they can help someone if they have had enough sleep, if they have fed themselves, if they have taken care of themselves.”
- Identify your wants and needs. Take a pen and paper and write down what you want and need, whether it’s your deepest secret or your softest desire, says Nnamdi. For example, when I first began healing from codependency, I wrote down that I wanted a reciprocal relationship. Knowing this—and acting on that information—can be the beginning of healthier relationships.
With the help of a therapist and support groups, I began to unravel my relationships. I realized that codependency had fooled me into thinking that closeness was achieved through caring. But I learned that true caring is caring for each other. Gradually, I stopped losing sleep counting the ways I could have given.
Whenever I need a reminder of what to keep working toward, I say an affirmation from The The language of letting go, a daily meditation book by Beattie. Today, I will open my heart to give and receive the healthiest love possible.
has been a reporter, editor, and educator for over a decade.
The audio for this episode is narrated by Gina Ryder, produced by Margaret Cirino, and edited by Meghan Keane and Malaka Gharib.
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