I have a tattoo on my arm that says “burn” in my mother’s cursive. It’s the size of a daisy petal and whenever I write, I can see its ink. I got it for all of the women in my life who have fallen in love with it — their past versions, their patriarchy, politeness, perfectionism, and the idea that we have to fit in. a tiny, shapeless box.
One day, that invisible box took my breath away. For the first time in years, I went to the mall to try on a wedding dress. The last time I was in the dressing room, I bought my wedding dress-Two years ago. And I’ll be honest:
Reader, it didn’t go well.
While shopping, I no longer believe I’m the right size, only interested in personal pizazz to try on a dress at a third store. I zipped a dress on top that looked like a duvet. I could finally live inside my skin without wear and tear, but trying on dresses under fluorescent lights turned me into a self-loathing monster. I could barely see my arm sticking out of the duvet in a slouched state. “So what’s wrong with you?” beg for my inner dialogue. “What happened to your confidence? ”
You know what, complicated?! She f*cking LEFT.
The constant preaching of female confidence makes me feel like a cage, not an act of rebellion.
And you know what else? I’m tired of being served the story of “women’s confidence”. I’m tired of trying to pull myself together, all in the name of shouting on the rooftops that I’m beautiful in the eyes of society. And I’m tired of the whole world of magazines, pop culture, and experts telling me that “having a little confidence” will solve all my problems.
I recently read an article in Atlantic by feminist cultural analysts Shani Orgad and Rosalind Gill called “How Women’s Confidence Became a Cult” and he healed a lot of truths for me. Throughout my life, messages of self-esteem have surged like a tidal wave. The tired plot that women should take up more space (but not enough to cause ripples) has shaped our culture. In doing this, we overlook the strength that is at the heart of women’s self-esteem in the first place. That is our problem. Problems at work? Confidence training. Want to feel empowered? Self-love. Want to climb later? Based on. Need a pep talk? Don’t worry, believe in yourself.
Confidence is a distraction. According to the paper’s authors, each message along the lines of “confident is sexy,” with regard to women, “rearranges the features of our unequal society into individual issues.” ; In a culture of confidence, we need to change the women, not the world.”
Writer’s Note: I’m writing pause here because, wow. Take a second to read it again. “We need to change the women, not the world.“
The constant preaching of female confidence makes me feel like a cage, not an act of rebellion. Women’s expectations and social confidence is a response to something when it should be a way for you to forge your way. Confidence is an expectation. A kind. An idea. However, we can make our existence out of nothing, whether we want to be confident or not.
Glennon Doyle beautifully wrote about this in her novel of personal essays, Not domesticated. “The best women in this vanishing act will receive the highest praise: She is so forgiving. The epitome of a woman is to lose herself completely. That is the ultimate goal of every patriarchal culture. Because a very effective way to control women is to convince women to control themselves.”
We cannot control and trust at the same time. And society makes us feel like we can easily lose anything. So why not live by believing in yourself?
Feminist culture analysts in Atlantic The article states that the rise of confident messaging grew in the 2010s and is still thriving to this day. “During a 2020 recruitment campaign, the British Army addressed potential female soldiers with the promise that joining the force would give them genuine and lasting self-esteem — unlike fake confidence that ‘can be reapplied every morning’, like makeup or fake. eyelashes.” In it, the message of social confidence is used to create and counteract the physical, psychological, and behavioral meanings of women.
Confidence is the property of who we are, regardless of whether we step in or out.
Confidence is not bad. I know self-assurance is linked to the elements of a happy, fulfilling life. I know expressing confidence gives us resilience and motivation. However, according to the authors of Atlantic article, “Confidence is both a culture and a cult.” If we’re not careful with its expectations, we run the risk of over sweetening its ideals. So what can we do, as individual, What to do to open up the possibility of change? So we don’t feel pressure to be suddenly perfect? What can we do to build trust inside, instead of looking outwardly into the world of botox and exercise tips?
Originally, my answer was to burn the trash. Stop using confidence as a distraction to improve. Live in all the mess. Existing because the human condition is pain, joy, mistakes and defects. Maybe we need to redefine confidence as everything inside of us and the beliefs within us that we hold. Confidence is the property of who we are, regardless of whether we step in or out.
The dictionary definition of confidence is “the act of believing in yourself, your abilities”. So self-created trust is not even something you can gain or lose. Gabi Abrão, my favorite Instagram muse, wrote in a her post: “Confidence is life force. Faith is life force. And it’s not just fitness tips and lipgloss and rosy promises. It is so profound and gives so much more than that. ”
We don’t need to adhere to self-assured rules, as these are created in everything we consume. Confidence cannot be taken away from us. Confidence is not something we “earn”. As Gabi so eloquently wrote: “Confidence is ours to make and not to invite or buy. It is your own best friend. It is your confidant through all areas in which you exist. ”
Confidently holding my hand as I walk through the mall, choosing to go with a nice dress in the meantime. Confidence is trusting in the beauty of accepting and understanding my existence rather than external expectations. Self-love comes from introspection and pulling our inner threads to the edge of our sleeves. Ralph Waldo Emerson poetically wrote it: “As we age… beauty steals the heart.” As we age and as we live now.
We don’t need to adhere to self-assured rules, as these are created in everything we consume. Confidence cannot be taken away from us. Confidence is not something we “earn”.
The world needs more completely out of control women. Throw your confidence, sadness, wildness, joy, all of them… to the wind. “What we need are women full of yourself,” Glennon wrote. “A self-sufficient woman understands and trusts herself enough to say and do what has to be done. She let the rest burn.”
Burn, burn, burn.
Brittany Chaffee is a passionate storyteller, professional author, and author. Every day, she gets paid to strategize and create content for brands. Outside of business hours, it’s all about a well-lit place, warm bread, and good company. She lives in St.Paul with her cat brother, Rami and Monkey. Follow her on Instagramread more about her latest book, border lineand (most importantly) hug your mom.
