Need a ride to the airport? Or help hang your curtain rod? These annoying tasks are often made easier by ask a friend for helpbut many of us are reluctant to do so.
According to a new study published in the journal Psychological Science, people consistently underestimate the willingness of others to lend a hand.
People seeking help also overestimate how uncomfortable the person they are asking for help is.
“Asking a stranger for help can be stressful.” Xuan Zhao, a social science research scholar at Stanford University, who co-authored the study with Nicholas Epley, a professor of social awareness at the University of Chicago.
‘In our research, we found people underestimate both strangers and friends’ [desire to help]. “
‘We are a supportive and cooperative society’
Throughout history, there has been a debate about whether we live in a selfish society or a cooperative society, Zhao said.
“In the last few decades, there has been growing evidence that we are a cooperative and supportive society,” she said. “It’s part of our winning evolution strategy.”
If you think about how you feel helping a friend, that can start to make sense.
“Helping others makes you feel good because it creates a moment of social connection,” she says. “It makes you feel valued and needed and if you’re successful in helping them, it makes you feel competent and everyone likes to feel competent.”
Helping others makes you feel good because it creates a moment of social connection.
Xuan Zhao
Stanford researcher
‘People are taught to be self-sufficient’
However, we underestimate how positive others are when it comes to helping us, Zhao’s research shows.
“When we need help, it can cause stress and anxiety,” she says. “You can get caught up in your own concerns. All of which makes it easy to overlook the willingness of others to help.”
American culture may also exacerbate the situation.
“People are taught to be independent and there can be a stigma towards the idea of seeking help and you can worry about being seen as weak or inferior to others,” she says.
People seeking help can be viewed as suspicious, as research shows that most people expect others to act primarily out of self-interest.
If a friend agrees to help you build a closet, you might wonder what favor they would ask you for.
In general, though, people help because helping makes them feel good, Zhao said: “It’s called giving a warm light. The idea that helping others makes us feel good. It’s related to the idea that it’s something that’s written in our genes.”
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