Want to sound more assertive? Skip these 4 phrases that make you look ‘weak or shy’: Word experts
We all have skills, attitudes, and ideas that we feel confident about. But whether other people – your boss, co-worker, friend, partner or new acquaintance – feel the same way depends on how you communicate.
Are you passive and let others dominate you? Are you aggressive and make enemies instead of friends? Or are you? passive active and angering others for being unclear? None of these qualities will help you appear confident.
It’s important to be assertive without being too aggressive, and you can do that by avoiding these four phrases that make you weak or timid:
1. “I’m sorry to ask this, but…”
When you use apologetic words (for example, “I’m sorry, I have one last question” or “Maybe it’s just me, but…”), it sounds like you’re being selfish. lower yourself. Or it might lower the request you’re trying to make.
You should skip the intro. Don’t say: “I’m sorry to bother you, but can you share the report you did for the team meeting?” Just received a request: “Can you share the report you made for the team meeting?”
Then end with a “thank you.”
2. “I can do it.”
Verbs are action words. They tell people what you are doing or what you are going to do. To appear stronger, choose verbs that state your intentions.
For example, “will” is much stronger than “could”. Instead of saying “I can do it,” say “I’ll do it.”
Likewise, when you ask for something, “I need” is much stronger than “I want”. Why? Because you don’t would like assistant; friend need assistant.
3. “You need…”
When you start a request with a statement based on “you” (for example, “You make me…” or “You can’t…”), it can be seen as controlling behavior, sometimes as a result of fear or insecurity.
However, sayings based on “I” can help you convey how you feel or what you want without sounding like an attack.
For example, “You need to start that project” sounds more imperative than the equally affirmative “I’d love to start that project.”
Always lead by your own feelings or actions.
4. “You always…” (or “You never…”)
Generalizations often lead to arguments because they can put others on the defensive.
If you are unhappy about something, be specific. Instead of saying “You always forget meetings,” say “I was so upset you were late for Thursday’s meeting.”
You also don’t want to put all the blame on one person: “You ruined the presentation by not being there!”
Instead, describe the situation accurately: “By arriving 10 minutes late, you made the presentation more difficult by distracting the audience.” This gives you a reputation for fairness and helps others see where they can improve.
More ways to be assertive without being too aggressive
Being thoughtful and intentional in the way you communicate will earn you long-term respect. Here are some additional tips to keep in mind:
- Say “because” when you decline a request. It softens the “no” answer and confidently explains your reasoning. Instead of saying “I can’t do it,” say “I can’t do it today, because I need to prepare for this afternoon’s meeting.” (Bonus points if you come up with a potential solution: “What if I do it on Tuesday?”)
- Say “I understand” when you disagree with someone. Instead of getting straight to the point of why you think someone is wrong, start by saying something softer like, “I understand your point” or “I understand what you’re aiming for.”
- Start with empathy. When you turn someone down, let them know you understand how it affects them. “I know you’re busy and stressed, but I really don’t have time today.”
- When you explain a problem, use conditionals. Follow this format: “If you do [X]afterward [Y] happened.” For example, “When the report wasn’t completed on time, it caused problems for the team’s sales presentation.” This helps you take the emotion out of the problem and focus on it. solution.
Kathy and Ross Petras is a sibling co-author of the NYT bestseller”You Are Saying It Wrongas well as “awkward moment” and “It doesn’t mean what you think it means.” They co-host NPR’s award-winning podcast”You Are Saying It Wrong.” Their newest book, “World history through body parts,” is a weird history of things you don’t learn through textbooks. Follow them on Twitter @kandrpetras.
Do not miss:
