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These 7 skills separate successful kids from ‘difficult kids’: Psychologist and parenting expert


When I began my career teaching at-risk children, most of my students lived in poverty, were abused, or were challenged by learning disabilities, emotional or physical disabilities. I want to find a way to help them succeed.

As an educational psychologist, I learned a very important lesson: Feelings are made, not born. Children need a safe, loving, and structured childhood, but they also need autonomy, competence, and agency to thrive.

After going through tons of research on the traits most associated with child optimization’ ability to thriveI have identified seven skills that children need to strengthen resilient spirit, resilienceSocial competence, self-perception, and moral strength – and they are what separates successful kids from shining bright on kids who struggle:

1. Confidence

Most parents equate self-esteem with confidence. They tell their kids, “You’re special” or “You can be anything you want to be.”

But there is little evidence that raising self-esteem increases academic success or even genuine happiness. However, studies show that kids see their grades as a result of their own efforts and strengths successful than children who believe they have no control over learning outcomes.

True confidence is the result of you doing well, facing obstacles, creating solutions, and overcoming them yourself. Fixing your child’s problems or doing their job just makes them think, “They don’t believe I can do it.”

Confident kids know they can fail but also bounce back, and that’s why we have to free ourselves from flying, skiing, and rescue.

2. Empathy

The strength of this character has three distinct types: emotional empathy, when we share the feelings of others and feel their emotions; empathy in behavior, when empathic concern motivates us to act with compassion; and cognitive empathy, when we understand other people’s thoughts or put them in their shoes.

Children need an emotional vocabulary to develop empathy. Here are ways parents can teach their children that:

  • Emotion label: Intentionally name emotions in context to help your child build emotional vocabulary: “You’re happy!” “You seem upset.”
  • Ask question: “English > Vietnamese?” “You seem scared. Am I right?” Help your child realize that all feelings are normal. The way we choose to present them is what can get us into trouble.
  • Share feelings: Children need opportunities to safely express their feelings. Create that space by sharing your own feelings: “I don’t sleep much, so I get cranky.” “I’m disappointed with this book.”
  • Note to others: Point out the faces and body language of people at the library or park: “How do you think that man feels?” “Have you ever felt like this?”

3. Autonomy

The ability to control your attention, emotions, thoughts, actions, and desires is one of the highest correlation strength for success – and a surprising untapped secret to helping children recover and thrive.

One way to teach self-control is to give signals. Some children have difficulty shifting focus between activities. That’s why teachers use “attention cues” like ringing a bell or verbal cues: “Pencil down, eyes up.”

Develop a signal, practice together and then expect attention! Some: “I need your attention for a minute.” “Ready to hear?”

Another technique is to use tension pauses. Slowing down gives them time to think. Teach “pause reminders” that your kids can use to remind them to stop and think before they act:

  • “If you’re angry, count to 10 before you answer.”
  • “When in doubt: Stop, think, cool down.”
  • “Don’t say anything you don’t want to say about you.”

4. Integrity

Integrity is a set of learned beliefs, competencies, attitudes, and skills that create a moral compass that children can use to help them know – and do – what is right.

Setting our own expectations is a huge part of the puzzle. But it is equally important to give them space to develop their own moral identities alongside and apart from our own.

It also helps to acknowledge and praise ethical behavior when your child exhibits it so that they realize that you value the behavior. Call for integrity, then describe the action so your child knows what they did to gain recognition.

Using the word “because” makes your compliment more specific: “It shows integrity because you refused to deliver the gossip.” “You showed integrity because you kept your promise to go with your friend even though you had to give up the slumber party!”

5. Curiosity

Curiosity is the recognition, pursuit, and desire to explore new, challenging, and uncertain facts.

To help develop curiosity, I like to use toys, gadgets, and open-ended games. Give them paints, yarn and popsicle sticks to create constructions. Or bring out paper clips and pipe cleaners and challenge your child to see how many unusual ways they can use them.

Another approach is to model curiosity. Instead of saying “That won’t work”, try “Let’s see what happens!” Instead of giving an answer, ask: “What do you think?” “How do you know?” “How can you find out?”

Finally, whether you’re reading a book, watching a movie, or just passing someone, use the “I wonder” questions: “I wonder where she’s going.” “I wonder why they would do that.” “I wonder what happens next.”

6. Persistence

Persistence helps children keep going when everything else makes it easier for us to give up.

Mistakes can lead children astray to the end and succeed. So don’t let your child become a disaster for their problems. Instead, help them overcome and identify their stumbling blocks.

Some kids give up because they feel overwhelmed with “all of their problems” or “all of their assignments.” Breaking down tasks into smaller chunks helps kids who have trouble concentrating or getting started.

For example, you can teach your daughter to “divide” by covering all of her math problems with a sheet of paper, except for the top row. Lower the covered paper to the next and next row as each row is completed.

Older children can write each exercise on a sticky note, in order of difficulty, and do one thing at a time. Encourage them to do the hardest thing first so they don’t stress about it all night. Confidence and perseverance are built as children complete larger sections on their own.

7. Optimism





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