Tech

The most efficient way to debug simulation


MNEY-3848, “Replace simulated real currency with simulated digital currency.” This is one of those tickets where engineers come up with a solution to a problem that only exists in their heads. There’s a galaxy I’ve managed where interplanetary currencies are priced at a cry of pain (wedding presents a particular challenge), but even that makes more sense than blockchain. That said, we’re in it and we need to take a look at this. Leave open and look for ideas.

ERTH-4873, “Repair Versailles.” Great example of a bad-mouthed ticket. It was filed in 1927, so the original purpose was clearly to ease the financial burden on Germany after World War I and avoid a second one. Instead, an engineer and a designer spent 20 years shaping the treetops at the garden of Versailles, which was a best-case scenario, and by the time anyone noticed, we were disappointed, What about 70 million users? This is not what the Stakeholder is paying for. In storage.

PNGA-8901, “Adding more ice to the North Pole.” Another good ticket, and I can’t figure out why it was dropped. If we did this, we would have much less mess.

MAML-0784, “Squirrels have spider legs.” This is the one I just hate. There’s no use case, no market need, yet for some reason at least three of you believe this sim needs eight-legged squirrels. Also, why is it sized for two months of work? It’s an afternoon in the modeler for any designer. So I can’t decide if I’m more upset because it was suggested or it didn’t happen. There are millions of tickets like this. Don’t even mark them as WONTFIX, just delete.

I’m also wrapping up “Dinosaur Presidential Election” (Is This Serious?); “World Peas” (copy of ERTH-0019); “Only one gender and one race” (I tried this and it was a lot worse than you might expect); “Creating a new religion based on science” (Interesting idea, but you don’t know how bad it got); “Introducing general artificial intelligence” (When we let them do it, they realized it was a simulation! Remember what Stakeholders pay us!).

All in all, I feel that this team has lost track of the Stakeholder’s mission, which is to build the funniest, most ridiculous universe possible within the laws of physics. During the first meeting, I heard that they liked the US health care system, Enlightenment piracy, and cats. They hate the American Civil War (too seriously), squirrels (I guess that’s why someone suggested spider squirrels?), and Facebook (unusable). All in all, it seems like a disappointing experiment, which is probably why it’s so hard to get the resources to expand it beyond just this one planet. I know you all feel it. Please stick with me, though. At my last universe, I managed to turn out over 30 galaxies. Or you can be harvested and turned into reverse coins. Your call.

I may ask to work some evenings and weekends ahead, but know that I want us all to have a normal schedule. Obviously we need to communicate more often. I’m going to host some epic, and I don’t mean HIST-0003, “Send the Bull of Heaven to attack Gilgamesh.” (Seriously, let’s not go there anymore.)

Also, I know you all put a lot of work into it, but we should probably go ahead and set the moon.

See you on Tuesday. I will bring coffee.



This article appears in the December 2021/January 2022 issue. Follow now.

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