“Love me, love me… say you love me.”
As far as I know, the ’90s classic from The Cardigans sums up exactly how I want to be liked — through verbal affirmation. But how does one define the experience of expressing and receiving love? Fortunately, there is a book dedicated to that topic.
Written by Dr. Gary Chapman and published in 1992, 5 love languages: The secret to lasting love identifies five ways we as modern humans express and receive love. After first hearing about Chapman’s book from an ex-boyfriend, I felt compelled to buy one myself. To my surprise as it felt more like a novel than some slick self-help book, I soon realized that not everyone communicates love in the same way and that everyone has different ways of communicating with each other. different that they prefer to receive love.
So what are the five love languages and what are the concrete examples to illustrate them in our real-life romantic relationships? Let’s dive in.
Affirmation
Ah, words of love. Personally, I’m a glutton for them and claim nothing else – I’m a writer, after all. Whether it’s “I love you,” a moving poem, or verbal encouragement, these gestures make me feel seen and perhaps most of all appreciated.
If you or your partner speak this love language, it simply means that you value words that express love, appreciation, and respect. Aside from the gold standard of “I love you,” other ways to show your partner you care include verbally acknowledging them when they’ve accomplished something or being able to openly express how you feel. about them and the qualities you most admire.
Just as bad words and criticism can be very offensive to someone with this love language, so can inauthenticity. Make sure that if you say something endearing to your partner, it comes from the heart and not from a random book of praise.
Quality time
To quote the one-of-a-kind Bob Dylan, his lyrics “To Be Alone With You” gleefully summarize this love language:
“Alone with you
At the end of the day
Only you in sight
While the evening goes by
It just goes to show
That while the pleasures in life are few
The only person I know
It’s when I’m alone with you. ”
For those of you that light up when your partner offers to spend time with you and always look bored to hang out, you’re making Quality Time your love language. As the name suggests, this love language means that you want to spend meaningful time with your partner, not to mention active listening and consistent eye contact.
People with this love language appreciate the value of being in the same space as their partner — physically, emotionally, and mentally. So whether it’s starting a new TV series together on Netflix or going on vacation together, it’s all about being actively engaged and present in the moment as a couple.
(Writer’s Tip: Don’t use your Phone with Quality Timers. These are often annoying from the outside, especially the phone, which can drop the connection.)
Service Behavior
Raise your hand if you like when your partner cooks you breakfast in the morning, makes tea when you’re sick, or does laundry without having to ask.
If you raise your hand, chances are you’re considering Acts of Service as your primary love language. This means that you totally appreciate a partner who just wants to make your life easier.
For those who agree with this love language, this means that you firmly believe that actions speak louder than words. Forget empty promises — you need someone to fulfill and show you that you can count on them. This is all about showing, not counting. This can range from making the dishes to getting them from the airport. It also doesn’t have to be overwhelming — remember that your partner just wants to feel appreciated and helped.
It is also important to reiterate that the Act of Service does not mean that you are literally serving your partner. If you feel that your partner is expecting too much from you or that you simply don’t have enough bandwidth in your daily schedule to “speak” the language, talk to them about it. An open dialogue is key for any healthy relationship.
Receiving gifts
While the name itself may suggest someone who is overly materialistic, people with this love language see gifts as representations of love. To them, receiving a gift proves that they are seen, cared for and, ultimately, appreciated by their partner.
Here, the price tag doesn’t matter too much – it’s the level of thoughtfulness behind it. For example, one handmade card means more than one Hallmark card. If your partner values the gift-giving process, they’ll be the first to say, “That’s important thinking.” The gifts you give them as a gift help them remember that you have thought of them, which immediately fills them with joy and love.
So, what are some ways to show your partner loves your gift that you care? On your next date or trip together, be sure to bring a special memento home (for example, a seashell from your beach vacation). When your partner sees this entry, they will recall the special moments you shared together. And it goes without saying that birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are incredibly special, so use those days as a reminder to show your love and commitment.
Physical touch
While some may startle at the thought of a PDA, others praise it (ahem, you really).
Meet the Physical Touchers, whose love language revolves around the physical signs of affection, including kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and perhaps not surprisingly, sex.
When there is consensus, speakers of this language feel warmth, appreciation, and comfort from various forms of physical contact. Not sure if your partner is physically touching? You’ll know it if they have. People who tend to want to be near you, physically, often sit right next to you instead of across from you. For them, the closer you are, the better.
Small gestures like massaging their back as they’re going through a hard day or taking time for physical intimacy in the evening mean a lot, too. For them, a seemingly insignificant touch goes a long way.
Epilogue
If you find that you and your partner speak different love languages, don’t worry — see this as your chance to learn how to “speak” each other’s languages. Not only will this help the two of you better understand each other’s needs, but it will also help foster growth in the relationship.
And remember, you can only show your love and receive your love in different ways. For example, you may love giving your partner gifts, but you really enjoy it when your partner gives you their undivided attention (quality time).
Ultimately, as individuals, we must let our partners know what makes us feel loved and vice versa. You may just be surprised by how empowering it feels to have your needs shared, and how enjoyable it can be for your loved one to hear those needs voiced out loud.
An American-born and mixed-breed, now living in Germany, Erin is a freelance writer with over 10 years of writing experience from her time in Stockholm, Sweden, and New York City. A self-proclaimed storyteller with a serious case of wandering, she has a penchant for all things fashion, film, food, and travel.
