Most people have a rolodex of red flag maybe turn them off on a first date. Once you’re in a serious partnership, however, the warning signs can be harder to identify.
After a certain level of commitment and you’ve been through a lot of ups and downs with your partner, it can be difficult to know what the hard times are and what the signs are in your relationship. are having trouble.
But there are certain behaviors that can signal your partner is not happy or that the two of you should have a serious talk about the state of your relationship.
These 4 red flags can signal trouble in your relationship
1. You feel like raising your partner
Elevate your partner refers to when you feel someone is not quite mature and you are the one to help them get where they “need”, no matter what they want.
It can be about little things, like when to get to the airport, or big things like how to budget for a home.
Lisa Bobby, psychologist and clinical director of Counseling & Coaching Self Development in Denver, Colorado.
“I think that in itself can be an alarming sign in a relationship,” she says. “Not because a partner needs to be nurtured, but because they’re with someone who thinks they do.”
Some signs you may be feeding your partner include:
- You think their way of life is “not good enough,” says Bobby. You may be disappointed with the way they make decisions or have an opinion on how they could be more productive.
- You think they can’t accomplish anything without you. This goes one step further than feeling frustrated and means you truly believe they can’t function without you.
- You don’t feel safe unless they do things your way. Bobby says, “If you need your partner to do certain things in certain ways for you to feel safe and happy, that’s a sign of overdependence.
2. You use these two terms
John and Julie Gottman are famous psychologists and clinical researchers. The two have interviewed more than 3,000 couples and followed some of them over the course of 20 years.
They also studied more than 40,000 couples about to start couples therapy.
A romantic combination reason slip into dismaythey write, is because people don’t ask for what they need.
Instead, we make suggestions about what we need in the hope that our partners will catch the clues and satisfy desires we never actually voiced. When they fail this fateful test, we criticize them and say, “You never” or “You always.”
“These red flag phrases warn us that a couple is in shaky territory,” they wrote. “The negative outlook may be starting to take shape.”
Ask for what we ask for To be happy can feel harder than it sounds. If you have trouble pronouncing, try these three things:
- Reflect: Think about what you want
- readjust: Instead of accusing your partner of not doing something, give them an opportunity to do something.
- Describe yourself: Ask for what you need by saying how you feel
Let’s say you ponder and decide that having more dates will make you happy. You can reframe this as an opportunity and ask your partner for more dates by describing how you feel.
Instead of saying “I never take you out on dates again,” say “I miss you. Can we make plans to have more private date nights this month?”
If you need your partner to do certain things in certain ways for you to feel safe and happy, that’s a sign of overdependence.
3. Your partner has stopped supporting their needs
For some partnerships red flags look like indifference.
Lia Love Avellino, a psychotherapist and CEO of speakan emotional wellness space in Brooklyn, says many of her clients have trouble starting a breakup without knowing how.
“A lot of people who worry about breakups are people-pleasing people,” she says.
“They’re going to get along and they’re telling themselves they don’t want to hurt their partner, but really they don’t want to face the discomfort of being the one giving it up.”
Telling your partner what you need emotionally or physically can create conflict, but it also means you care, Avellino says.
If your partner doesn’t seem interested in communicating what they’re feeling to you, they may withdraw from the relationship.
4. Your partner doesn’t want to own their anger
instead of having live chatYour partner may start acting out of the ordinary.
For example, if they enjoy cooking for you every night, they might stop.
“Their actions are meant to put others off, but they actually feel bad because their own needs are not being met,” says Avellino.
If you notice your partner doing this, you may need to forward them.
For example, you could say, “Hey, I noticed you don’t cook anymore, I wanted to visit you.”
This can cause friction, but it’s not a bad thing.
“We sometimes think that if we avoid the conversation and by not naming it, we are keeping the peace,” Avellino said. But “If you’re giving it a name and there’s an argument, you’re not creating a problem, you’ve exposed the crack.”
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